


Cockblocked!

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M, trololololol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-30
Updated: 2012-06-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 20:44:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's April Fool's Day, and America plays an epic prank on England. Shame England doesn't think it's funny and withholds sex from him. So America calls France asking for advice. Of course that's a bad idea ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cockblocked!

**Author's Note:**

> America's POV!
> 
> Warning: Dub-con. (Maybe non-con?)
> 
> Also this one pissed a couple people off at FFN. It was originally written for April Fool's Day ... so yeah. If you get where I'm going with this. Don't read if you're easily offended.
> 
> /trolololololol

Pfffttcchhhpfffft," I snickered.

I was right outside England's bedroom door. This was gonna be so EPIC! For last night, I pulled off one of the greatest pranks of all time. OF ALL TIME. It was March 31st last night, and England didn't even realize it. He should have known something lulzy was coming his way.

I giggled one more time "HEHE!" before I busted through the door.

"APRIL FOOLS, ENGLAND!" I shouted as I jumped onto the foot of the bed.

England's bed. And guess who was in it. England, of course, that's pretty obvious, duh. And you wouldn't believe who else … CANADA!

But he thinks it's me. We did the ol' switcheroo. Ya know? Since England apparently can't tell us apart despite us having different haircuts and acting completely different? Yeah, we totally trolled him on that!

"Holy shit!" England exclaimed as he startled awake. He sat up and practically did a double-take. He saw me at the foot of the bed, then looked over to Canada lying beside him, then back to me, with big ol' eyes like O_O

"HAHAHAHA!" I laughed. "We totally got you, England!"

England kept looking back and forth between us. Canada smiled back nervously while I kept beaming back at England like :D

"Th-the fuck …!" stammered England, still looking at both of us and trying to comprehend what happened. "You mean …"

"You totally had sex with Canada last night!" I said. "HA HA! GOTCHA! Oh, man. We got you GOOD!"

England looked kinda … hurt. "How … how could you do this to me?"

"HAHAHA … huh?"

"You tricked me into cheating on you!" he exclaimed, looking seriously pissed off. "That's not a prank! And if it was, you're the one who was pranked. You're the one who got cheated on."

"Pffft, England." I shook my head. "Tsk tsk tsk. Don't you have a sense of humor? It's just a joke so it doesn't count!"

"It's not a joke! We had actual sex last night!" England looked over to Canada. "And you! This kind of behavior isn't all that shocking for America, but I expected better of you, Canada!"

Canada looked away. "Umm … well, for the record, it wasn't my idea."

"Yeah, it was mine!" I said proudly. "Such an epic trolling idea could only come from my awesome brain!"

"Why would you agree to this, Canada?" asked England.

Canada still wouldn't look at England. "Umm …"

"Because, dude," I said as if it was obvious. "Canada hasn't gotten laid in like, forever. You think he's gonna turn down an opportunity for easy, free sex?"

"America!" exclaimed Canada, all nervous.

"Whaaaat? It's true, isn't it?"

"Enough!" said England. He stood up and hopped off the bed. "I hope you're happy with yourself, America. Because you're not getting any from me for a long, long time."

With that, he walked himself to the door.

"Wait!" I called, also hopping off the bed.

But it was too late. "Happy April Fool's, America," said England. Then he SLAMMED the door.

Oh, damn. I think I just cockblocked myself.

:(

X

Normally when England gets pissed at me, it goes like this. He ignores me and refuses to put out for like … three days to three weeks. How long depends on the severity of whatever I did to piss him off, and how horny he got (he can only go so long without getting some himself!). This was definitely near more of the three week variety because England was SUPER PISSED at me. So you know what that meant?

No sex on April Fool's :(

And I had been really looking forward to it too! Then I had to go and cockblock myself just for the lulz. Not that it's not worth lulz — that's the point of lulz, after all. You do things solely for them. But … well … now I have England all pissed off at me and I'm lonelier than forever alone Canada.

I needed some help. Don't judge for me who I called. He may be annoying, but he was an expert on getting into people's pants. So I dialed his number …

"Bonjourrrr~" he answered giddily, with a trill.

"Yo, it's me," I said. "I need some advice."

"Ahh … America. Whatever could it be that you chose moi to ask?"

"Well, you know a lot about sex and stuff …"

"I see," replied France with a sigh. "Just rub some butter on it and relax. It will come out."

"The hell …" I muttered. "No, no, no. It's about England."

"Ha ha~!" he laughed, all flamboyantly. "I heard about your little prank on him, America! It was almost as funny as ze prank you pulled on yourself. Oh wait – is it ze same prank! HONHONHON!"

Oh man. I think France totally just burned me. Ouch :/ "Look, never mind all that. It was still worth it."

France was still laughing at me. "What – ever —made you think," he said in between laughs, "zat tricking your little boy toy into cheating on you was a good idea?"

LOL he called England my boy toy. I gotta say that in front of England when he stops being all pissy. "I did it for a reason," I said in my determined voice. "A very important one that I do not regret. I did it for the lulz."

"Hoho~ I wish you could see me wiping away ze tear from my eye. I haven't had such a good laugh in some time! Thank you, America. Your stupidity has been ze highlight of my day — non, week! MONTH!"

"SHUT UP!" I snapped. "I need to ask you how to get England to stop being pissed at me!" I mumbled the next part: "… so he'll let me have sex with him tonight …"

"Tonight?" France paused to chuckle. "I believe England's minimum is three days, no? But of course, I'm sure it will be longer zis time. You really crossed ze line. Better get reacquainted with your hand, hmm?"

"But … but …" I stammered. "There's GOTTA be a way! I really wanted to get laid tonight! It's April Fool's! Everybody gets laid on April Fool's."

"Hmm … I believe you are thinking of Valentine's …"

"Isn't there anything I can do to get England to put out?" I was practically begging. "Please, France! If anyone knows a way, it's you!"

"Hmmm," he thought. "Let me think. It is April Fool's Day, after all …. heh heh …"

"Exactly! Wait, why did you snicker like that—"

"Okay, America. I shall explain how to win England back. But you must follow my instructions exactly, no questions asked."

"OOH! Hold on." I grabbed a piece of paper and pen. "Okay, ready!"

"First," began France. "You must sneak into his house. Don't knock on the door. Surprise him. Nothing says love quite like breaking and entering!"

"Uh huh …" I said as I scribbled it down.

"Zen, once you are inside, find him and pounce. Come up from behind and say hello with a slap on ze ass!"

"Slap … on … the … ass …" I muttered, sticking my tongue out as I wrote.

"A good slap too! A firm, open palm smack right on zose perky cheeks. Trust me. He will love zat."

I stopped writing and brought the pen to my mouth. "Ya know, I think I did slap him on the ass during sex once and he got all pissy about it. So I thought he didn't like it?"

"Um …" hesitated France. "Well, zat's because … well … LOOK, you agreed to not ask questions! Do you want me to hang up? !"

Whoa, I didn't expect France to suddenly become so angry! "No, no! Sorry! Please continue!"

"Very well." Phew. His voice went back to normal (well, normal for him, as I hardly consider that flamboyant tone to be actually normal.) "Once you have his attention from zat love tap, you must apologize for your prank. He won't want to hear it in words — words are cheap, plebian things, peh! No, you must offer him a gift to show you are sorry."

"A gift huh … what, like, candy or something?"

"HA! England does not care about your candy. No, you must give him something he not only would like, but would crave …"

"Uh … a bottle of wine? That's a good gift, right? And he craves alcohol all the time."

"Oh, zat is a good idea, especially if you get ze— I MEAN NON! Disregard what I just said! Because it is wrong and so are you." France cleared his throat and said in the most creepy of voices, "No, you must go to an adult novelty store, and buy ze biggest, thickest dildo you can possibly find! HONHONHON!"

"…"

"Hmm? America? Are you still zere?"

"…"

"Ah. I must have scared him off~"

"… biggest … thickest …. dildo …" I mumbled to myself as I wrote the words down. "Huh? What was that, France? I was distracted by writing what you said down."

"HONHONHON!" he laughed. "Oh, you are actually believing me? !"

"Well ... yeah … why wouldn't I?"

"I thought you were aware of ze date. It is April first, after all."

"DUH! That's why I'm calling! So I can get me some tonight!"

France snickered again. "Very well zen. If you're still falling for zis, zere is no reason to stop!"

"… huh?"

"Now zen," said France, sounding very excited. "You wrote zat down, right? Ze biggest dildo you can find? I do mean ze biggest! No length nor girth shall deter England! Bring him ze one sure to tear him open, and he will be putty in your hands."

"Really? That doesn't really sound like him, but then again, I'm always pissing him off accidentally so I guess I don't know as much about him as I thought, haha!" I underlined 'biggest and thickest' twice on the piece of paper. "Giant dildo present it is!"

France was laughing almost uncontrollably. "Oh my!" he said in between laughs. "You're actually going to do it! Zis is priceless!" He cleared his throat. "Ahem. Now let me explain what should happen next."

"OH BOY!"

"England will be very aroused at this point. Not only by ze sight of a lovely dildo, but by your display of dominance by slapping him on ze ass. He loves zat. Dominance is a big turn on for him. Zat's why at zis point, you should rip his clothes off."

"I do that all the time."

"No … I mean literally rip zem off. Absolutely shred them. To pieces. Ze more expensive his outfit, ze more merciless you should be!"

I stopped writing. "Whaaaat? He'll be pissed if I do that!"

"Who is ze expert here, hmm? I'm telling you. He will find it very arousing. His member will swell with excitement as soon as you start! He will grind it against you, rubbing desperately for any kind of taste of you he can manage, and beg — a wanton whimper of a plea — for you to take him right zere. Zat will be all ze foreplay needed because he will roll over so submissively, and spread himself, welcoming you to plunge in and fill him with your le cock."

:I

"Wow," I said. "That sounds pretty good."

"Mmm, doesn't it? But do not be so hasty. Drive him crazy. Make him want it. Use your teeth. That drives him wild."

"Teeth," I said as I wrote it. "What, you mean like nipping at his neck or something?"

"Non, non," said France. "During oral."

I cringed. It almost hurt my dick just thinking about that! "Umm … what?"

"England loves that during a le blowjob," France continued. "He can never get enough of ze teeth! Any time he is luckily enough to have someone perform ze act on him, he always begs, 'More teeth! More teeth!'"

"UGHH!" I winced. "That sounds painful as hell!"

"It is what England likes~" France sounded way too happy to be talking about teeth on a cock. Ugh … I'm still cringing at the thought. "So make sure you do it. Use as much teeth as you possibly can!"

I underlined the word 'teeth,' still grimacing because OUCH DUDE. "Um, okay. What else?"

"At zat point you won't be needing my help anymore."

"Oh? Because he'll be so into it and I can just bang him all night long?"

"Heh …" said France. "Something like that." Then he cackled for some reason …

"You're weird."

"Goodbye, America! Happy April Fool's~"

Click.

I hung up on him because I didn't like the way he was still laughing. I mean, this was a serious issue! I'm having relationship issues over here! All just because I wanted some lulz! Such is the price I pay for an epic trolling u_u

X

CRAAAAAASSSSHHHHH!

I stood up and brushed myself off. "That wasn't so bad!" I said as I pulled a shard of glass from my head. "Now where'd that dildo get off to?"

I'd just broken through one of England's windows. The first thing on my list! The list of things France told me to do to get England to let me have sex with him again. I probably should have broken the window with a rock or something instead of my body, but whatever. Using myself is more badass.

"Ah, here it is!"

I spied the dildo on the floor a few feet away. Crazy thing got away from me when I jumped through the window. I picked it up. It was so wobbly! It was so long that whenever I picked it up it bent and jiggled almost like Jello. Like it flopped all around. "Oh, haha!" I laughed. "You're a playful little thing, aren'tcha?"

But there was no time to dwell on playful dildos. I got me an England to seduce.

I crept through the house. It smelled like old person.

Finally I found him in the kitchen. He was hovering over a tea kettle impatiently.

"Hehehe," I giggled. "HERE GOES!"

I tiptoed across the room. I was so excited! Thankfully he didn't hear me creep up. So I got right behind him, still leaning slightly over the stovetop.

SMACK!

I slapped him on the ass. Hard. Even my hand stung from it. It was a good, open-palm smack right on his left ass cheek.

"FUCK!" he swore as he jumped. He quickly flipped around, rubbing his sore butt. "The hell? !" he exclaimed when he saw my smiling, cheery, handsome face.

I grinned back. "Heh heh. You liked that, didn't you, England?"

"That fucking hurt! What the hell are you doing in my house? !"

I was hiding that big ol' dildo behind my back. "I got a surprise for youuuuu~"

"GET OUT!" he snapped. "You know I'm angry with you, why the hell would you think sneaking into my house would be a good idea? Oi, how did you get in here anyway? The door is locked—"

"TA DA!" I pulled the big dildo from behind my back. It flopped around in between us. "What do ya think, huh? It's all for you."

England stared at it. His eyes bugged out like O_O but not in the way I was hoping for. No, he didn't look horny. He looked shocked!

"Wh-wh-what the hell is that!" he stammered, pointing to it.

"A dildo, duh! Here, take it. It's kinda heavy and my arm is getting tired."

"Why would you think I'd want such a thing? !"

Hmm. I thought. I thought hard, rubbing the end of that dildo on my chin as I did so. England was supposed to be asking for it. He was supposed to be loving this! Well, I hadn't done everything he wanted …

"God! I hope that thing isn't used!" bitched England, making a disgusted looking face. "It's bloody HUGE!"

Yeah, most people would be a little bloody down there after using it …

I gently placed my palm on England's chest. He looked down at it, then back up with a confused look. Oh, his answer was coming, hehe. I balled the fabric in my hand. Then, like how a magician pulls a tablecloth out from under a bunch of plates and silverware without knocking anything over, I yanked England's shirt off in one fast tug.

My super-strength was plenty to literally rip it off him. I held up his shirt, now just a shredded piece of cloth, for him to see. "Oops~" I said sarcastically. "Look what happened!"

"Damn!" England swore. He tried to cover himself with his hands. Pffft. Like I'd never seen him without a shirt before. "That shirt cost fifty five pounds!" he exclaimed, looking all kinds of pissed off.

"What about your pants?" I asked as I ripped them off with one quick motion too. Just like FMMM! and they were off. In shreds in my hands. "How much do I owe you now?"

So now England was just standing there in the kitchen with nothing on but boxers and the most pissed off look I'd ever seen. I thought he was literally fuming until I realized it was steam from his tea kettle behind him.

"GODDAMN TOSSER!" he shouted, trying to grab for what was left of his clothes.

But I held them up high and he was too short to reach. "Don't be so mad, England! You're supposed to be swelling up your … shit what did France say … your penis and rubbing against me and begging for it all desperately and rolling around and spreading wide for me. I mean, it sounded better when he said it but—"

England smacked me across the face. Like, hard. He bitch-slapped me good.

"Oooouuuch!" I whined, rubbing my sore cheek. "What'd you do that for? !"

"Get the FUCK out of my house before I call the police!"

"Oh, haha. Very funny. I get it, April Fool's! You're pretending to be mad."

"This is NOT a joke!"

"Hehe, suuuure. I'll play along."

"I said – oh, shit …!"

I slammed him against the stove. He was pushed dangerously close to the hot part as I leaned into him. I dove in mouth first, attacking his neck. I licked and sucked and even though England was trying to push me off, I didn't budge.

"Stop it, damn it!" said England, pushing in vain at my shoulders. "I told you, we're not doing this for a long time!"

"But … you … like it …" I said in between licks at his neck.

"You really upset me this morning. It's too soon to forgive you."

I sank my teeth in a little. I nipped lightly at his neck. I know that's not what France meant, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try it anyway. (Especially since the alternative DID hurt to try!)

"Ahh …!" England startled. He stopped pushing me. Instead he pulled his arms away, and his fingers gripped hard around the edge of the stove.

I sucked at where I'd bitten. Almost like soothing it. My tongue swirled over where I knew I'd left little teeth marks. I felt him tremble underneath me.

"Stop," he said again.

I pulled away, licking the spit off my lips. "Not enough, huh?"

"Just leave …"

I dropped to my knees. And England went like :O

And so did I. But for a different reason. So I could fit his cock in my mouth. As quickly as I had with the other clothes, I ripped off the boxers and threw them across the room. His hands went to block his crotch, but I grabbed him by the wrists.

"Come on, England," I said, looking up at him. "I'm sorry, okay? Just forgive me."

"No …" he sighed, looking at the floor instead of me. "I need more time than this."

"Aww, come on! You KNOW that prank was funny." I was LOLOLOLOLing on the inside.

"It wasn't …"

Doesn't England get it? Sometimes you just do things for the lulz. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it affects you too, even if you get cut off from sex — if it's for lulz, it's worth it. No exceptions. There doesn't need to be any other explanation. If it's for lulz, it's for lulz. End of story.

Back to the non-ended story. England was still pissy from my prank, but I knew his weakness. France had told me so. He said it was so effective that after I did it, I wouldn't need his help anymore. Apparently it was that awesome.

England wasn't hard, but I grabbed him by the cock anyway. He startled, and I thought he was gonna run, but I had him by the dick. LOL, where was he gonna go? Nowhere if he didn't want it ripped off!

"Let go," said England all sternly.

"Nope!" I ran my hand along the shaft and back up. I watched it for any twitches. I wanted him to be at least half hard before I tried my special secret trick!

"I'm not in the mood," bitched England, getting all squirmy. But not a good 'ooh that feels good and I can't contain myself' kinda squirmy. No, it was more like 'I really wanna run but you got me by the balls' kinda squirmy. Oh, did I mention I had him by the balls now? Yep, my hand traveled up and cupped them. Protip: never forget the balls! :D

NEVAR FORGET

My other hand was on his hip, holding him against the stove. "I promise. You'll really, really, really, REALLY like this."

"Oh, joy," England said sarcastically. "A mediocre handjob. I can't contain my excitement." He said that with a face like -_-

Darn it :/

"Not a handjob," I said. "I'm just getting warmed up! Or warming you up, really."

My hand released his balls. It slid back down the length of his cock. When I reached the tip, I teased it a little, thumbing it a little bit, before wrapping my fingers around his shaft and giving it a quick pump.

"What are you going to do?" England sounded so annoyed … and bored …

I pumped a little harder. The friction was working! He was starting to get hard yaaaaaay :D

"Hehe, you'll see."

A few more pumps and I said good enough. He was mostly hard at that point. Though judging by his face, you'd never know. He didn't really look horny. He was glaring hardcore at the floor at that point. He looked like was he deep in thought. Which … was weird …

What the hell is there to think about when your dick is about to be sucked? Your only thoughts should be "OH BOY YAAAAY! !" I mean, that's what I think when I'm about to get a BJ, soooo …

Anyway. I was already on my knees, assuming the position, with England's mostly hard cock in my hand. I brought my head closer, dipped it, and took a good long lick along the length of his shaft. Like I was licking a popsicle. Except instead of tasting sweet it tasted like sweaty unwashed dick. But that's okey.

"Oh," whimpered England. I felt his hands tighten around my shoulders. He dug his fingers in.

A couple more licks like I was licking on an ice cream, and England was plenty hard. Oh so hard! Only thing harder than his cock at that point was diamonds, because diamonds are the hardest material on Earth, that's true facts, check Wikipedia.

Sweeeeeet. This was going so well! Pretty soon we'll be happily banging and all will be right with the world.

Time to try France's advice. England was sure to love this!

Gripping England by the base, I slid his cock in. I took most of his inches, and the bit I couldn't fit into my mouth, I held in my hand. I slid him in slowly so I didn't choke and toss my cookies all over England cock because that is not sexy.

(Though it would have been funny if I did and then went "APRIL FOOLS!" LOL am I right?)

"Damn it …" I heard England whisper, still holding tightly onto my shoulders. I couldn't tell if it was a 'damn it I can't believe he's doing this to me I'm still mad ARRRGH' kinda damn it or a 'damn it this feels so good my penis could live in this delicious mouth forever like it was its house' kinda damn it.

It was time.

I sank my teeth in a little. Then I slid back out, dragging my teeth along his cock the whole way.

England startled so much he almost jumped onto the stove! But it wouldn't have been a good idea to move too much with his cock still in my mouth. "THE FUCK? !" he exclaimed. He pressed against my shoulders, trying to push me off.

Buuuuuut it didn't work. I'm too strong, and all that. Right before he was to slide out completely, I took all his inches back into my mouth. Then I repeated it again. I bit down, then scraped my teeth along the skin of his shaft on my way back out.

"Fucking STOP!" shouted England, now pushing desperately on my forehead.

France said England would love this. Either he was still being all pissy and refusing to admit I was making him feel good, or I wasn't doing this good enough. Hmm. Guess it was time to take it up a notch!

I paused, with just the tip of his cock in my mouth. I held the rest in my hand. Hehe. I had an idea! If he loved teeth he was gonna LOVE this! Because I sank them down right into a good piece of his foreskin. Yep, grabbed it with my teeth and bit down. Then I pulled that skin up a little, so that I could actually pull it into my mouth, and gently chew it.

Soooo … at that point, England did something crazy. He smacked me right upside my face! Which was a very stupid thing to do with his dick in my mouth, because you know what was gonna happen! It made me bite down even harder! Though I guess that's not stupid if you're into that sorta thing …

"FUCK!" swore England. He quickly pulled out. I actually let him that time, because my face hurt! OUCH DUDE! England slaps like a pimp, damn.

I sat back to rub at my sore cheek. "JEEZ! I was just trying to please you, gosh."

England had grabbed his cock and was desperately looking it over. "If you made me bleed I swear to God …"

"Didn't I do a good job?" I asked.

"A good job? ! I was worried I'd pull away a bloody cock!"

For once when England said 'bloody' I think he meant actually covered in blood, not the pointless Britishy way he normally does.

He looked closely at his penis. There were red marks where my teeth had sunk in.

"If I wasn't doing it the way you like," I started, "then you should have told me! You should have said 'more teeth, more teeth' and then I would know!"

"More teeth? !" exclaimed England. "Who the hell wants to feel any teeth during oral sex? You're a fucking idiot!"

"Me? ! You're the weirdo who likes teeth! Don't call me the idiot."

England gently rubbed his cock, which was starting to droop. "Damn it … it's sore now …"

I smiled up at him. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

He scowled down at me. "I think you've done plenty already."

"Aw, come on, England!" I said, standing up. I leaned closer to him, but he leaned farther back on the stove. "You're not seriously gonna still be mad, are you? After I did what you like?"

"What I like? !"

"Yeah, you're the freak who likes teeth!"

"Who the hell told you that? !"

"Fran—oop. I mean, nobody. I just figured it out on my own. Hehe, yeah."

England looked deep in thought again. "That right …"

"Yeah! So whaddaya say?" I leaned so close I was inches from his face. With a big grin like :D "How about some make up sex?"

"You know I don't want to," said England, looking down at the floor again.

"Pleeeeease? I'm literally begging you!"

"I said no."

"But, but, but …!" I stammered. "We can do it any way you like! I don't care what it is! Topping, bottoming, any position, any weird kink you can think of, any weird toy or roleplay you wanna try, anything! Hell, I'll even dress as a damn furry during if it means getting laid! I really mean it! Anything."

England took a long, deep breath. Then he sighed. "I … I don't know …"

"Come on." I smirked at him. "There's gotta be something you've always wanted to try, right? Whatever it is, we can do it. I won't judge you, I'll just go with it. It's all up to you, dude."

England stared off into space. He looked deep in thought yet again. He was so spacey this evening! Several seconds went by before he finally replied. And when he did, he still looked like he was staring off into nothing.

"Okay," he finally said. "I thought of something I'd like to try."

"REALLY? ! SCHWEEEEEET!" I exclaimed happily. "What is it? !"

"I would like …" started England, looking almost like he was stoned or something. "… to tie you up. And ride you."

I stared back for a second before I replied. "F— seriously? ! That's it? Oh God, I was so scared you'd say no or say something really friggin' weird like you wanna piss on me or something but OKAY! I can definitely handle a little bondage! That actually sounds like fun. Whooo, I'm excited!"

"Calm down," said England. "I'm not ready now."

"Hmm? Why not?"

"Well, for one, I have a sore cock," he said, annoyed, pointing down to his penis where you could still see the red marks I left on it. "And secondly, and more importantly, you made me ruin my tea."

Oh yeeeeeah … England was making tea, wasn't he?

"Come back tonight at 10:00," he said. "Hopefully the pain will have subsided by then. And I shall definitely have had my cuppa by then."

"10:00? ! Well, damn, that's almost my bedtime!" England gave me a look when I said that. You know that look that just says REALLY? -_- "I- I mean! Um! 10:00 sounds great! I'll definitely be there!"

"Don't be late." England turned away from me and back to his tea.

"Okey. Hey, you need me to bring anything? Like the rope or whatever?"

"No. I already have everything."

:I

X

So there I was. Lying on England's bed on my back. With all my limbs spread apart. As England tied them one by one.

It was 10:00, in case you couldn't guess ;)

"Fff—ouch, dude," I said as England tied one of my hands to the bedpost. "Not so tight."

"It has to be tight," he said absentmindedly as he finished the knot. "Or you'll just slip out of it."

He moved to the other side of the bed and began working on my other wrist. I looked at his knot. It looked super tight! "Wow. You make a good knot."

"You don't spend years as a pirate and not learn a thing or two about knots," said England, who didn't realize he said not and knot in the same sentence. LOL homophones.

He finished my second wrist. He'd already tied down my ankles, so that was the last one, and I was fully strapped to the bed. England stood back and looked down at me.

"Now don't you dare break my bedposts," he warned. "This bed is an antique. It's older than you and it's absolutely priceless. You so much as dent it and I'll cut you off for a month."

"A MONTH? !"

"Minimum," he said, glaring at me. "And I mean it this time. Don't fuck up this bed."

"Psssh. You were super pissed this morning and said I wasn't getting any any time soon … yet look where we are now. I'm tied down naked to your bed and sexy times are about to happen."

Oh, did I not mention I was naked? Hard to take off your clothes tied to the bed, LOL! So yeah. I was naked. Go ahead and alter your brain picture thingy of this story. To me strapped naked to a bed ;)

"Don't make me regret this."

That's what England said, but when he did, I heard the creak of the bed. He climbed on the foot of it. He tossed the bottle of lube he had in his hand onto the bed and I got very very excited :DDDDDD

"Oops, sorry, haha," I laughed. "This is gonna be so much FUN!"

England sat on his knees. "Remember what I said about the bed." He started undoing his shirt buttons. For every button he popped, my cock twitched slightly. Just a little more skin was exposed as he undid those buttons … one … by one … by one … by one … until finally he undid the last. His chest was bare as he tossed the shirt onto a nearby chair.

When it was off, he got on all fours. That too got me excited! Though that was pretty obvious by my very hard boner. He crawled on the bed to me. He crawled on top of me, up to my chest.

When he did that, I shoved my hips up. I grinded my erection against his stomach. Like HINTITY HINT HINT! I think you know what that means! But if England did he ignored it. Yep, my hard, aching boner rubbed up against his bare chest and he ignored it. What a p-p-p-poker face!

England sat down on my stomach. "Oof!" I heaved when he knocked the wind outta me.

"Shhh," hushed England. He felt with both hands at my chest. He grabbed me like if I was a woman, he'd be groping my breasts. But I'm a dude so I don't have those (not even moobs, which are manboobs, in case you didn't know.) His fingers closed in until they were around my nipples. I tensed up.

"Um," I said. "What are you doing?"

I asked that but I knew what was coming. I could see it England's crazy perverted eyes. He grabbed my nipples, one in each hand, and pinched. Hard.

"Ah!" I startled. "England, that hurts!"

Then he twisted them! It was like getting a purple nurple! I yelped and tried to pull away, but duh, I was tied down.

"Stop stop stop!" I whined.

England let go. "Heh heh …" he snickered. "Just wanted to hear you whimper. It was payback for what you did to me earlier."

The skin around my nipples was red. "Damn, dude! Look what you did to me!"

"I don't want to hear it." England was sliding back down my body. I took the opportunity to grind up against him again. This time I could reach his ass. Or rather, his pants covering his ass because he still hadn't taken them off! "I still have teeth marks on my penis from earlier."

He crawled back and off of me. He sat in between my spread legs. Which sucked, because then I couldn't even rub my cock against him for friction! I was going crazy!

"Now," said England, lowering himself. "I shall return the favor."

"Oh SWEET!" I said. I knew what that motion meant. The way he leaned his head down. It was blowjob time! :D One of my favorite times.

… wait a minute. Did he say return the favor? Uhh …

England started with a long lick along the bottom of my cock. From the balls to the tip, paying special attention to just under the head because it feels so good there hhggghh ….

He pulled my cock up so that he could lick underneath even better. He dragged his tongue slowly, teasingly along the vein. I squirmed underneath him. I wish I wasn't tied up! I'd love to put my hands on the back of his head. Run my hands through his hair, push down just a little bit to give him a hint …

"Unf …" I whimpered.

He kept licking for a while and I worried I'd cum before we even started. It just felt so good. The way he drew it out like that, and how I couldn't do anything. I rutted my hips up a couple times, trying to get more, but he just pushed me back down and ignored the hint.

Finally he spread his mouth open wide to me. And swallowed up my cock, almost every inch.

"Ffffffff …." I hissed. "F-fuck yeah …"

"Heh heh …" I heard him snicker, his mouth still full of my cock.

Oh crap. How could I have forgotten? !

"W-wait, England!" I said suddenly. "Don't bite me! You're the freak into that, not me!"

"Mmm?" England made that noise all patronizingly …

"Yeah! The less teeth the better! Hell, ideally, you'd have NO teeth! The perfect blowjob would be done by someone who doesn't have teeth anymore, like old people who have popped their dentures out, and you'd just gum me as you sucked! Crap, that sounded way less weird in my head but you know what I mean …"

Getting bit on the dick is NOT a good April Fool's joke. That's not for the lulz if you ask me. Lulz don't leave marks on your penis! (If they do, you're doing it wrong.)

England let my cock flop out of his mouth. "Oh, America …" he said, still all patronizing sounding. "What makes you think I'd do something like that to you? Poor, defenseless America tied up and restrained on my bed?"

"Because you're FREAK! That and it's April Fool's."

"I know. But are you forgetting who you're dealing with? Don't you think I can come up with a more original prank than one you pulled on me a few hours ago?"

"Huh? That wasn't a prank. I legit thought you liked it!"

England sighed and shook his head.

"Ooh, you shave, America?" asked France. "Pity. I prefer au natural."

"Tsk," I clicked my tongue. "It's called manscaping, dude. You should try it someti—WHAT THE HELL? ! FRANCE? ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? !"

Actually, I'll tell you. He was standing in the doorway, leaning seductively against the frame of the door, completely naked, with a boner. WITH A BONER.

"Get outta here!" I shouted to him. "You can't watch, you pervert! Tell'im, England."

England hopped off the bed. I expected him to yell and curse and kick France out of his house, but instead he just walked right on past!

"He's all yours, France," said England.

"HONHONHON," cackled France.

"WHAT? !" I exclaimed. "You're leaving me with HIM? ! Nooooo! England, don't do this to me!"

England paused at the doorway and faced both of us. He didn't look like he regretted this at all! In fact, he was all nonchalant about this! He almost looked bored when he spoke. "I'm going in the other room to wank to Rule 34 of Doctor Who. Don't disturb me."

And with that, he left.

Then it was just me and naked France.

D:

Oh, wait. Just kidding. England popped in again for a quick second. "April Fool's, America," he said, smirking at me. Then he left again. And didn't return …

France closed the door. "Ahh!" he sighed happily. "Just ze two of us! We are going to have so much fun!"

"OH NO WE'RE NOT!"

He crossed the room and was at the foot of the bed. The bed I was tied down to with my legs spread … well crap this wasn't looking good …

"Ah~" said France, picking up the lube bottle England had left on the bed earlier. "So convenient!"

"Did England set you up to this? !"

"Oui~ he called me a little while ago." France scooted between my legs. "He said he needed my help for a payback April Fool's prank … and here we are …"

"This is NOT a prank!"

France popped the cap on the bottle. He let some dribble on his hand. "Hmm? Is it zat much different than when you tricked him into sleeping with your brother? At least he's honest about it. You know it's me who's about to have sex with you. Zere's no false pretense."

I watched the lube coat his fingers. Oh God … he really did intend to put them inside me … "Um, whatever! This is still an awful prank!"

"Oh … and by ze way …" He closed the lube bottle. There was plenty in his hand. In fact, he had so much it was running down his wrist. "If Canada ever feels zat lonely again, please send him my way next time, hmm?"

"Like even he would wanna bang yoUUUUUU!" I trailed off into a yelp. France, who was all nestled on his knees between mine, had without warning, started to make little circles with his wet finger. Around my entrance. "D-d-don't touch me!"

"Shhh, hush now," he said, still making the gentle circles. "England has warmed you up. I shall finish ze job, hmm?"

"NO!"

"Don't worry. I have magic fingers. HONHONHON."

With that, I felt more pressure. As he circled he pressed down, and let his finger slip inside me.

"Ahh …!" I hissed, squeezing my eyes shut.

France's finger went in all the way to the knuckle. "Relax, relax …"

"I don't wanna do this with you. I wanna do this with England!"

France gently moved his finger in and out. "Zen you should have thought about zat before tricking him into having sex with someone else, no?"

I wanted to resist. Actually, I wanted to punch France's face in. How dare he put his finger inside me! And then pull it out almost all the way and push it back in over and over and over! But what could I do? I was tied down. And sure, I could break the bedposts, but then I wouldn't get to have sex with England for at least a month …

"It was …" I paused to hiss again at the pressure. "… f-for the lulz."

France slipped in a second finger. The ropes tightened and strained against the bedposts as I pulled. I almost broke them before I remembered what England said and stopped. And pouted.

"Hmmph."

Now two fingers were in all the way to his knuckles. His hairy knuckles …

"Was it worth it?" asked France. "Was it worth … ah, what did you say … ze lulz?"

"Always," I replied in my most determined voice. "It is ALWAYS worth the lulz."

"Heh."

France's fingers began working faster now. In and out, stretching me, gradually getting faster. I squirmed, as it was uncomfortable. Thank God for lube! Without that stuff I'd be in some pain right about now. Butt pain.

As he fingered me, I felt him scrape against my prostate. I held back my reaction. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that he gave me satisfaction! All I did was made a little quick, tiny squeak, like "eee!" but then I shut myself up real fast.

France looked up when I did that. And smirked.

"What was zat, America?"

"NOTHING!" I said defensively. "Definitely totally nothing."

France pulled out his fingers. "You are pretty tight down zere," he said, reaching for the lube bottle again. "Been a while since you let England top you, hasn't it?"

"Oh yeah dude, I almost always get my way. England's such a sl — WHAT THE? ! Why am I talking about this with YOU? !"

"HONHONHON."

France poured moar lube into his hand. Then he reached down, and slathered it on his cock. His huge cock, by the way. I winced just looking at that thing. Oh, and also because he was pretty damn hairy. It was like a jungle down there!

"Nooooo!" I whined. "ENGLAAAAAAND! Joke's over! HA HA you got me! Now get your ass back in here!"

"Zis is not a joke," said France, still rubbing the lube on himself. Some of it got in his shorthairs and made his pubes stick together, eeeew!

I wasn't talking to him. I was yelling for England to hear me, whenever he went to in the house. "ENGLAAAAAND! Dude, seriously! You got me, okay? ! April Fool's! April Fool's on me! Ha ha, laugh it up, JUST GET BACK IN HERE AND KEEP IT FROM GOING ANY FARTHER!"

"You think ze joke was zat I would have you believe I was going to have le sex with you … but zen it wouldn't happen?"

"Well, yeah," I said. "I mean, you're not really gonna do it, are you? I thought the fingering crossed a line but hey, if it's for the lulz, so be it."

France scooted closer to me. Very close. So close that he was climbing on top of me … crap …

"Why would you think zat?"

"Well, duh! Why would England want me to have sex with someone besides him?"

France gripped his cock and shrugged. "Perhaps because you tricked him into sex with someone else this morning? Or maybe it's just … how do you say … for ze lulz."

GASP! Could the lulz have backfired on me? Oh, lulz. WHY YOU BETRAY ME? ?

That's what I was thinking when I felt it. France line up and shove himself in.

"AHH!" I yelped.

"What you are feeling …" began France, sliding himself to the hilt. "Is not a joke."

"GAHHH IT HURTS!"

"Shhhh …" France gently rubbed the inside of my thigh. "Relax, relax, let yourself adjust to the incredible girth of my le cock."

I couldn't believe it. If this was a joke, it had gone too far. Penetration is where I draw the line. Even for lulz. I couldn't just lay there and let France have his way with me, could I? ! Let him tear me open with that oddly large cock, slap his hairy balls against me as he thrust, whispering something in French as he came …

EEW NO! That couldn't happen. Sorry, England. And England's antique fancy bed. But I had to break these bedposts and free myself so I could punch France upside the head and escape. I knew that meant England would cut me off for a while, but I'd rather take a month of fapping to a night of French dicking.

But just as I was about to HULK SMASH those restraints off, France said something that made me pause.

He'd begun a gentle, slow rhythm. He rocked against me as he spoke. "You really upset England, you know."

I froze. "Huh?"

"Your idiotic prank. You hurt him."

"You're hurting me …" It was true. My balloon knot was stinging like fire!

"Oh, my apologies." France slid out, marinated himself in more lube, then entered me again. "Better?"

I made a pouty face but said, "Hmm, I guess."

France started thrusting again. Slowly, gentle, sensual, gay thrusting. "America …" he whispered, straddling over me and speaking into my ear.

"WHAT? !"

"… would you like me to tell you how to keep England happy?"

I was about to snap those bedposts in half. My arms were already flexed to do it. But then I let them fall slack. "Huh? You know how?"

"But of course~"

France's pace picked up. I winced as I felt harder, faster pressure.

"What … fff …" I huffed, feeling some pain again. "Wh-what should I do?"

"It's simple things, really …" he said. "Like being more considerate. When he offers you scones, pretend you like zem instead of saying zey taste like le crap. When he prepares you a cup of tea, pretend it tastes good even zough you prefer le coffee. And when he le cums in your mouth, pretend it's tolerable instead of le gagging and spitting it on ze floor."

I hesitated. France sure knew more about me and England's issues than I thought. Creepily so …

"Uh … duly noted?"

"Ze little things are what matters, no?"

God, I wish France's cock was a little thing. Why'd it have to be so HUGE? ! I can only handle so much dick at once!

"Another thing …" said France.

I froze again, as I was about to break the bedposts. "What?"

"If you want to please him, you should slow down," he said. Ironically, because he was getting faster. The bed was a rocking then! Like CREAK CREAK CREAK! "You know you rush foreplay, no? England prefers it to be a little longer. Take ze time to savor it … relish each other's bodies … until you are driven so wild by each you can't stand it anymore."

"Hmm …" I said, thinking. "Okey, maybe I will try that next ti — WHAT A MINUTE! How the hell do you know how long foreplay is with me and how much England likes? !"

"HONHONHON," he cackled.

That was it. These bedposts were gonna be busted and so was France's face. I was gonna snap them like pretzel sticks and then pound France's face in. Enough was enough!

But then he leaned close again. And whispered, his breath all hot, "… and ze last thing I will tell you about England will drive him absolutely wild."

"… OH REALLY?"

"Oui~ Do you want to hear it?"

I sighed. Guess I could wait just a little longer to stop this nonsense. If it meant hearing this …

Suddenly France's pace sped up again. It was so hard and fast that I gasped. I squirmed in my restraints. I wanted to bite down on a pillow and whine into it but I couldn't, darn it. It was so intense. Pounded in the ass so intensely by such a big cock … I was practically writhing …

And despite this new fast rhythm and the way I was wiggling around, France still kept his mouth by my ear. "When you and England are in ze throes of le amour …"

Ooh, I was excited to hear this! "… yeah?"

His breath was hot against my ear. "… call him 'Engwand.'"

"… what."

"Just like when you were a child! Oh, he will love it!"

That's just … messed up … gives me the jibblies …

"Ah, he will probably cum instantly! It touches his heart so."

"His heart … riiiiiiiight …"

England is a freak.

"How do you know all this, France?" I asked.

It took a moment for him to respond. He was breathing really hard. "HONHO – oh, merci! –NHON."

He interrupted his own smug Frenchy cackle? This can't be good …

"I'm guessing you have some interesting talks with England, don't you? Well, I have a message for you to pass on." It was weird to talk so much while being so thoroughly fucked in the ass … "Tell him I'm sorry …"

France didn't reply. His thrusts were becoming all erratic and uneven.

"Tell him I didn't mean to upset him …" I continued, closing my eyes. "I really just did it for the lulz. I didn't know it'd hurt him so much … the truth is I—"

"Ahh …!" interrupted France, tensing up.

"Um, HELLO! I'm trying to have a serious, non-lulzy moment over here! Kinda STFU, would ya?"

France's hips jerked. They spasmed, pushing quickly into me a couple more times, like quick pumps. And I felt a warmness fill me.

(It was French jizz.)

"SACRE BLEU!" France exclaimed when he came.

"Really?" I said, very unamused. "Really? Here I am, pouring my heart out, and you gotta go and ruin it by pouring your dick out. Inside of me. Tsk, typical …"

France collapsed on top of me with a big sigh.

"GET OFF OF ME!" I yelled.

France rolled off and onto the bed beside me. Guess I didn't have to break the bedposts now. Not much point, huh? I'd already had to put up with a French ass pounding. The least I could do is not ruin future ass poundings with England …

A few more awkward seconds later, France hopped off the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair fabulously, then looked down at me.

"Ah. I shall be taking my leave now."

"NOW? !" I exclaimed. "You didn't even make me cum — I MEAN YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME STRAPPED TO THE BED! Untie me!"

"Heh." He was making his way to the door. "I'll leave England to that."

"NOOOOO! He'll be caught up with that Doctor Who Rule 34 for God knows how long!"

"Happy April Fool's, America." France paused at the doorway, smirking back at me. "Oh, and I left the money on the dresser. Au revoir!"

D:

(APRIL FOOL'S END!)


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